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Note: The examples drawn upon and discussed concern households ranging from upper-lower to upper-middle class in North America. Matters regarding standards of living and education cannot be applied further abroad, but the general lessons most certainly can.
Certain universal experiences bind us together. Obvious ones further serve to segment us into groups that often create rifts between us. The following are sentences I have heard over the years, from dozens of people, regarding parenting and dealing with those who do not have children:
“You wouldn’t understand, you aren’t a mother/father.”
“Sadly, we’ve lost touch with him/her since we started having children.”
“Once we had our firstborn, they stopped talking to us. They even unfollowed us on all (social media) platforms. They couldn’t understand why our lives were now centred around our child. They became resentful of us and could not reconcile the fact that our limited time to see them was not personal.”
The misunderstanding of those who are in different positions in their lives, whether childless or a parent, goes both ways. Some parents believe that those who are childless lack the capacity to understand their challenges. We will touch on this later when it comes to the ability and range for relative capacity later. Some childless people also tend to underappreciate what parents are going through, while parents lose traction on their grasp of their friends still being valued human beings within their circle.
For the purposes of this article, we are not going to cover extreme cases of people who, out of pathology, or to put it simply, are of bad character, are behaving selfishly and not being considerate to those in their life who are on a different journey than they are.
Over the last half-decade, I have not only stayed in contact with my friends who became parents, but I have also grown closer to them. I accomplished this by being unconditionally accomodating. Simple acts such as meeting your friends at their place, or at a bar or restaurant which is close to their house, will allow for small breaks from their small children. Those who have older children, even teenagers, also need to be accommodated in a similar fashion. Without warning, their child can become sick, be diagnosed with something heartbreaking, could have trouble at school, or could have developed a behavioural issue.
Little acts such as buying a meal for their household, delivering it, and sharing the meal in their house allow the parents to have a mental break without the burden of guilt that comes with anything that can be considered an indulgence.
At the time of writing, in the late summer of 2025, parents today are under increased pressure that their parents were not. Before Generation X, the need for dual-income households was not as high due to lower standards of living – see note above about the demographics covered in this article. Public school systems back then were not being outpaced by private schools as they are today. More and more people are forced to pay tuition for their children to attend private schools in elementary grades. This is done not only to give their child a competitive advantage, but to teach their children the fundamentals effectively. Parents today are incredibly strained financially when compared to twenty years ago. The same applies to the single and those who do not have children, but not nearly to the same degree.
“Thank you for bringing over the pizza, and you’re like the busiest person we know,” said a good friend as I was putting on my shoes to leave after our shared meal.
“Thanks, but, being busy has nothing to do with it. When something happens regarding a child, matters hit a lot harder and heavier for parents,” I replied before saying our final goodbyes for the evening.
A few years ago, a close friend of mine who works in law enforcement said something that is incredibly appropriate for this discussion. In his line of work, he has to deal with people who have committed crimes over the smallest and seemingly trivial matters. For the person in front of them, the matter of someone crossing their lawn could justify an assault. Meeting that person where they are allows for them to be seen, appreciated, and smoothens the process that is to come for the law enforcement officer. Earlier the notion of relative capacity was mentioned, and it shall be expanded upon here. The analogy of stunting a fish’s growth by keeping them within a tank which is far too small for them applies here when it comes to humans and their capacity. In the many examples I have heard from friends who work in law enforcement and healthcare, when meeting someone with a limited worldview due to the experiences afforded to them, meeting them were they are instead of punishing them for their lack of capacity on a certain matter or topic nets many more gains than punishing them. If all one person knows is their own struggle, then they will have difficulties in placing themselves in another’s shoes in situations that bring them discomfort.
The same applies in this conversation. Meet those in your life where they are, and not where you think they ought to be. If your single childless friend becomes distant, leave the space they left vacant in your heart open to them. They may yet come around. Also, if your friends who have kids no longer have time to see you for weekly drinks, understand their new worldview, and do your best to remain a part of it and to support them. Our duty as friends is to support those who we care for, it’s not to extract affection on a transactional basis. If the latter is how you operate, I hate to break it to you, but you are a bad friend.
The notion of every relationship needing to be in balance, where every “give” must be rewarded with a “take” is an overwhelmingly reductive way to approach such relationships, and unfortunately most people are not built or accustomed to stray away from this. The fact is that those who are responsible for raising humans are under a heavier burden than us who are not. If you are childless and have the capacity to disproportionally give more than take, then do so. No one is keeping score, and the act of doing so will result in a lonelier existence for everyone involved.
Time of writing: September 3rd, 2025