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Not all mutations resulting from the pandemic to the work-life balance have been positive, nor have they been detrimental. Like all matters in life worth having a conversation over, the landscape of the topic simply became more complicated. Most will praise no longer needing to be present in the workplace as they have proven over the last couple of years that they can, amazingly, get more work done from home. Few, in comparison, will rightfully, in many cases, counter such stances with productivity charts and show factually that the lack of face-to-face contact has had some real consequences for their workforces. But what about when it comes to our personal relationships? Are there lessons we can learn and adapt to strengthen the bonds of those we cherish in our private lives? This past month, I set out to find out if this was possible, and the answer was a resounding yes. It turned out that you can nurture not only existing long-term relationships with these lessons but also foster growth in new ones by doing one thing together and enjoying the silence.
Over the last year, I noticed that a common topic discussed amongst friends was that they equally shared the blame for not making time for each other. This shame was spread in every instance, and it cast a shadow on their futures, for they all accepted that this was now the norm. No matter how much they liked to have seen each other, there simply was not enough time. Whether this is due to the work-life balance mentioned above evolving, the cost of living crisis forcing all households upwards to the upper middle classes having everyone, save for minors if a small business was not the case, chipping in to make ends meet, to universal caregiving roles shifting over to whoever is best equipped, making time for friends or colleagues seems to accelerating in its path towards extinction.
To counter this, I turned to an activity that was shared by university students – the study group. I adapted and incorporated this tactic into my daily life because of how much actually gets done during these sessions. Every individual sits down, focuses on their tasks, and basks in the comfort of good company while chipping away at their studies. As adults, I have done this with a series of friends and family members, and instead of making headway in our studies, we are working. For some, this is when they are accomplishing the administrative portion of their business, and this has been the best way to get in the excuse to spend time with each other.
Admin work is usually reserved for times when we are not expected to answer emails, see clients, answer calls, or even be called away from work by our loved ones. For most, the window which this falls on are weekend mornings, but if you know your close ones well enough, you will be surprised to find out that many devote a certain portion of their days to these tasks. Sitting in absolute quiet and getting work done together is an incredible bonding exercise, though it is not for everyone.
Many people see every incident in which they are in the company of others as their opportunity to discuss their views on the world, and this will not work with them. It would be incredibly difficult to balance the week’s books when your friend from across the room is trying to convince you about their solution to stopping all conflicts in the Middle East.
But when the individuals are devoted to getting through their tasks, something magical happens. A level of calm enters the occasional chaotic workflow, and we can turn to each other for support. This, in most cases for me, manifested in a deep sigh from across the room when a friend’s phone chimes with a notification.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, seriously.”
This was all we said in the three hours as we worked away on our separate tasks. Did I have any clue as to what my friend had read? Nope. Did I need to know the details? Again, no. We had a friendship built on a foundation of years of understanding, and simply from the quality and timbre of the sigh, I knew what they were going through.
Recently, I had the good fortune of making two new friends, which many would tell you is harder to do as you age, but I beg to differ. I tried employing this tactic of the quiet study group, or as one of my new friends called it, “getting shit done time,” and it indeed worked. By working quietly away, we picked up on the other person’s non-verbal cues and gained a window into their temperament and how they go about their lives. This is very hard to gauge when you first meet someone, for you are, in reality, seeing their ambassador and not them. Under the pressures from work, such insights are common, and we get a quick view into how we handle difficulties as well. Unexpected resources such as very complex humour systems reveal a vast array of experiences from your new friend that would otherwise have taken years to unearth.
Most importantly, these shared quiet places have reaffirmed to me that the people I cherish the most are not those who bring insights, entertainment, or opportunities. What differentiates those we want to spend time with and those we would rather not is the quality of our characters and the comfort we can give each other simply by being present. This tactic will not only ensure that you will keep those dear to you close, but you will also find that you will get a lot more done when working away in a safe environment.