October 25th, 2025
(3,173 words)
Preliminary Thoughts:
As the cost of living greatly outpaces wages, most people are watching in real time their savings and purchasing power diminish by the day. Every facet of our lives has been severely impacted from the fallout of the pandemic, resulting in a prolonged period of uncertainty. Since the first quarter of 2020, we have been subjected to multiple wars on the scale last witnessed three quarters of a century ago, inflation, and grave disruptions to markets, manufacturing, production and supply chains. At the time of writing, markets on multiple fronts are on the verge of sharp and painful corrections from unchecked investments in artificial intelligence, unpredictable policy changes towards cryptocurrencies, a shift from panicking about chip manufacturing to that of mining the rare earths required for advanced consumer and military technologies, and deliberate global economic disorder from the current American administration.
Given the increased uncertainty, and that our efforts no longer go as far as they once used to, we also feel our self-worth comes under fire. Feeling undervalued is not new, but in times such as these, the shared intensity of this experience has been pronounced.
When someone feels that their worth is under fire, they tend to lash out, and in some cases, they manufacture heightened scenarios to fill in the gap between how they feel and what the situation is on the ground. The purpose of this article is to provide you with the tools necessary to avoid unnecessary conflict, guided by real-world examples that I personally experienced.
Defining the Actual Problem:
As far as days went, it was almost perfect. I was showing some of my out-of-town cousins the city’s highlights on a beautifully crisp and autumnal sunny day, and then it happened. We were walking past a small zoo in one of the city’s largest urban parks, and my eyes locked in with those of a bison in captivity. The bison and I both stood there silently for two full minutes, never breaking eye contact as my cousins took photos of the rest of the animals with their phones. The depth of desolate loneliness and sadness was instantly recognizable and immediately identifiable as I had seen in a very specific group of humans a couple of nights prior. These humans were not captives or refugees fleeing their homeland, but normal people who were struggling and simply wanted to be seen.
“How did you get into the lake so early?” asked a coworker.
“I got here extra early, talked to the property manager, gave her some home-baked cookies, and simply listened to her talk about her life and the lake for half an hour. I did nothing special; we just talked and ate some cookies.”
“Well, the’ Queen of the Lake’ has been hounding us all season and yelling at us at every opportunity,” she went on to explain. “I have no idea how you were able to get on her good side.”
More than a year ago, as I approached the lake property, I saw the same uninhabited look on the property manager’s face. Before meeting my eyes, her endless gaze conveyed an utter barrenness, and I knew that she was someone who simply needed someone to talk to. Her defeated posture had her spine curled over the counter while all the muscles in her face fully submitted to gravity. She simply needed to have someone ease her into her day and for her to converse with someone in a non-transactional manner. Her interactions with others, in the setting that was her workplace, were always restricted to people making demands and not abiding by the rules of the property. She would then proceed to lash out at everyone she interacted with.
Since then, I have had several encounters where I was able to diffuse a situation or conflict where others had failed, and this was due to recognizing the root cause of the problem. First is that a party’s sense of worth is perceived to be in question. The second is the drawbacks of their limited viewpoint, causing unnecessary harm that needs to be addressed, directly or indirectly. And lastly, recognizing the empathetic and intellectual capacity of the aggressive party was essential in coming to an amicable solution. In many cases, someone may start an unprovoked dispute seemingly because of a stated difficulty, when in reality, all they want is to be understood, even if it comes at the expense of someone else’s well-being.
Slowing Down and Removing Oneself from the Situation:
My group of friends neared a dozen in number as we entered the local pub at 9 PM on a Friday night. We were coming from an event, and everyone wanted some of the bar’s famous dessert. Happy and looking forward to settling down for the evening, we were greeted by an upset and overwhelmed waitress. After she guided us to our tables, she left in a huff.
“I don’t know how I am going to deal with this,” she said aloud as she walked back towards the cash at the bar.
“I’d happily pay for everyone’s pie if that waitress just lightens up and smiles,” said one of my friends. The waitresses discomfort was reflected by everyone there, immediately shifting the group’s mood.
Having not yet taken a seat, I noticed that the waitress’s eyes were just like the bison’s. Filled with desolation and sadness, staring unfocused into the screen, atop the cashier, with a defeated facial expression where all the muscles in her face drooped towards the floor. I simply asked how she was that night when she approached our table again.
“I’m fine, but you guys can’t just storm in here. I need advanced notice to serve all of you,” she said, clearly flustered. Her facial expression was already starting to soften, mirroring my relaxed posture and expression. She then raised her arm on my shoulder and leaned her body weight fully onto mine. “When you guys came in, I didn’t even know how I was going to bill you guys.” The act of simply asking her how she was and showing concern for her state drastically improved her mood. Her initial tone was geared towards generating conflict, but there was none to be had. In my opinion, at that moment, she was the priority, and my feelings simply did not come into the equation.
“How about I will give you a call in advance next time, with our specific number, and you can tell me personally over the phone whether you guys can accommodate us. That way, you don’t feel like you are disappointing a very large group at once.” At this point, her entire upper body fully leaned onto mine for support, and her warm and softening smile was noted by all my friends.
“Thank you. That would be great.” Her posture then fully relaxed, only for her to return later with our desserts and a beaming smile and a bounce in her step which belied the number of hours she had been on her feet that day. “I figured out how to bill everyone,” she said triumphantly.
My group was offput for it was Friday night, the pub could easily accommodate us, would not close for another three hours, and everyone ordering a piece of pie or cake was a simple enough matter. The waitress was not upset with us for making an unreasonable demand. She simply felt overwhelmed, tired, and undervalued. In her view, such a large group entering the pub and expecting to be served without a reservation undermined the level of care and effort required from her. Making sure that she felt valued, seen, and appreciated was all that was needed to avoid the conflict which was underway.
If the situation and the person are open to it, offering to collaborate in resolving their problem yields surprisingly positive results. Doing so illustrates that you are willing to place yourself into their shoes and work with them. This shows that you genuinely care about them and not just the outcome. This also gives them a smooth offramp for them to describe the difficulties that they are experiencing and the complexities of their station. There is no better way to ensure that someone feels seen, heard, and appreciated than to literally be willing to walk in their shoes.
All of this requires one to suppress the natural urge to send a message when they feel like they are unduly being mistreated, for such messages are never received. To be honest, such attempts at correcting someone are often just acts of catharsis with no real intent on changing the behaviour of another party. The best example of this is when one honks the horn of their car in an attempt to notify another driver that they are doing something wrong. The other driver usually yells back, oblivious that they are in the wrong, and they automatically assume that they are being honked at as an act of aggression. When people are flustered and in their own world, they are not receptive to unsolicited criticism, no matter how constructive it may be.
In many other cases, such as the above, a common way one tries to assert control over a situation is by belittling another person. The key to dealing with these situations is not to take it personally, take oneself out of the equation, and see what it is that the person really wants and needs. Make them and the pressures that they are under the priority. In cases where they are starting a dispute due to severe distress or an identifiable pathology, however, leaving the premises is always the go-to option.
Looking Past the Symptom and Addressing the Root Cause:
Feeling undervalued is nothing new. Though the intensity of feeling that way has naturally been on the rise as we, the general population, work harder for less as wages stagnate in relation to inflation and costs. There is another factor which has been introduced in recent years, which amplifies hostile interactions, and that is isolation.
There are countless articles, journals, and books on the topic of the rise of loneliness due to the prevalence of online social interactions and the pandemic. It should be noted that most of these articles and books suggest that the solution to these issues is to practice more compassion, when in reality, compassion is the one resource that is under strain.
In this section, we are going to focus on the outcome that arises from when one is isolated and, thus, only has their own perspective to draw upon in a scenario where they are feeling undervalued. One does not have to be physically secluded to have the consequences of extreme loneliness impact them. Most of us are stuck in very strict routines that limit our opportunities to meet new people and have meaningful interactions with others in person.
It is one thing to be lonely, underrepresented, and without a community, but another thing entirely when one is not being considered or valued. The first casualty of being isolated is one’s capacity for empathy and being able to attribute aberrant behaviour accurately. Over a period of relative isolation without meaningful in-person interactions with others, we have a harder time seeing the perspectives of others. We then start attributing our own haphazard guesses as to why someone is behaving in a manner which we may not appreciate. This almost always leads to conflict and miscommunications, which is what we are naturally trying to avoid.
A direct solution for keeping one’s empathetic muscles in shape is reading books, both fiction and nonfiction. When they are good works, they offer great character studies within circumstances different than ours. I wrote about declining reading rates and some of their consequences earlier this year here. The outlook, at least in America, does not look any more promising. The National Assessment of Educational Progress recently reported that 33% of 8th graders are reading at “below basic level” and that this is the worst it has been in decades. Reading at this level means that they cannot keep track of events within a body of text or summarize what they just read. I have observed that based on comments I have read on social media from readers, that adults, too, are suffering from poor literacy. Literacy is a facility that one can lose over time due to lack of practice or bad habits. Personally, I saw a dramatic uptick in misunderstandings and incorrect interpretations of captions on social media and articles elsewhere after 2021.
Regarding isolation, strictly living a routine-driven life can create its own form of isolation. Without a sense of community, no matter how many people we have low-quality encounters/impressions with, isolation will become a factor. What results is a person who becomes their own island, disconnected from the mainland of humanity, destined to only ever believe that the extent of reality only extends as far as their own shadow.
Belonging to a community is vital for us. Not only does a community offer security in numbers, but it also often gives us a greater sense of meaning. Communities are at their strongest when they are brought together by one or more shared values or by a shared intense experience. There is also a direct correlation between the intensity of what brought people together and the benefits one received from being a part of a community. There are communities based on common traumas, from extreme cases of being victims of shark attacks and spousal abuse to seemingly mundane ones based around hobbies. I have interacted and been fortunate to be welcomed in various communities over the years, and the one thing that binds all of them together, regardless of the severity of their common reason for being there, is being seen by those who can immediately relate with and not be judged. This allows for people to be vulnerable, open and be able to process, understand, and assimilate the experiences of others.
A mere four days before writing the fourth draft of this piece, I encountered a similar situation with a flustered waiter who struggled with a large group on a separate Friday night. After speaking to our group, she went into a corner and stared at the keyboard of the computer in the back with the same empty look mentioned in the opening of this piece. Instead of trying to find a solution, she then ran to her coworkers across the bar, complained, and they all looked on in support as she was overwhelmed. She immediately sought out a community, and exaggerated the stress she was under, and the direness of the situation. I caught her by surprise by approaching her behind the till, where the wait staff congregated, and I proposed that my group go and sit on the beautiful, heated, and vacant patio. Her eyes lit up, and she happily accommodated us. Her coworkers went back to their tasks without even changing their expressions.
Instead of getting upset about not being served, I sought her out and found the correct time to offer assistance and to collaborate to finding a solution. I did so by first apologizing and making sure that she knew that I was there to support her and to make her difficult job just a little easier. Throughout the night, I also sought her out for the bill and for any other matter my group required. She felt seen not only by her community but also by people outside of her group who valued her and her struggle who did go out of their way to help make her job easier.
Closing Thoughts:
Class imbalances and problems which arise from them are as old as the written word. Those who serve others professionally are constantly on the brunt of having to deal with people who not only undervalue them, but now feel entitled to do so due to being slighted in the amount and quality of service they are receiving for their ever-depreciating money. The sudden rise in living costs and inflation is alien to most people alive today. The adjustment period to normalize the degradation of everyone’s quality of life may take an entire generation. It has been argued that the middle class are the greatest affected by the current economic landscape, due to the rich always being fine, and the poor receiving subsidies. From personal experience, those whom I interact with on a daily basis who are wealthy have also been impacted. A lot of their leisure activities and expenditures have been scaled back, and many assets were sold as we were exiting the pandemic. Those I know who live under the perceived line of the middle class have not received any subsidies of worth, and the basic necessities of providing for one’s household take up a far greater portion of their income. While those in the lower to upper middle class, who over the years have always been considered to have the small things in life covered, are finding that this is no longer the case. Going out to eat once a week no longer makes sense when one meal in a restaurant equates to one adult’s grocery bill for that entire week. Everyone is being impacted by the current climate, and as a result, it is easier for people to feel brushed aside and to be short with each other.
As previously stated, practicing increased empathy to identify and resolve the source of discomfort of a combative individual can be a lot to ask. Most of us have had our empathic capacities drained as the day wears on. Remembering that everyone, as a collective, are sharing the experience of having their value depreciate at an unprecedented rate, will hopefully help you not take any affronts personally. Even if the assertive individual is trying to make it personal and attacking you verbally, removing oneself from the situation is the best way forward. Chances are that the person in front of you will not be ever be invited over to your house for tea, and in most cases you may never see them again. They have absolutely no basis for attacking you on any merit besides your action in a very specific window of time. As individuals, we are far greater than the sum of who we seem in a given moment. Whether we cut someone off in traffic, if we do not hold the door open for someone, or if we snap on someone who is not complying with a standard in our workplace, these sorts of actions do not define us as who we and they are. This goes for almost everyone you will encounter for the remainder of your days on this planet, even if you are serving a life sentence in a maximum-security prison.
If you do have the empathetic capacity, the next time that you find yourself being treated poorly by someone in the manner, as discussed in this article, instead of going on the defensive, treat them as an individual in distress and in need of aid or nurture. Give everyone else the grace that you know you deserve when you mistakenly happen to be at your worst.