711 words
These halls are filled with echoes of today’s suffering on the ever-fading canvas of the past. Medical care centres, from hospitals to rehabilitation facilities to long-term care homes, all share the soundtrack of moans with infrequent, yet all too frequent, fever-pitched crescendos of cries.
Being in the odd position to care for those who are making their graceful exit from this life as they hand over all agency equally to their loved ones and to strangers in uniform, and that of those being struck with the misery of bad health well before their prime is over has been very enlightening.
The biggest lesson I recently taught a dear friend who is a full twenty years younger than myself yesterday is one that I wish more people understood. This lesson applies to both those who are suffering and those who are tasked with the well-being of those going through a difficult chapter in their lives.
We all suffer. It is a part of the human condition. For what is life without its trials, tribulations, and unexpected traumas which destabilize not only our worldview but of ourselves?
In these halls, I have witnessed the greatest disparity between the haves and have-nots. This is the fact that some who are stuck in such places are visited by loved ones every single day and those who never have any visitors.
The regular visitors I have spoken to over the years have said words such as these…
“We travelled the world together…”
“They taught me everything I know about how to love…”
“So much knowledge, education, experience, and love hiding away in that motionless wheelchair…”
“Look at them,” they say as they show a picture of their now bedbound loved one years ago as they warmed up at the side of an Olympic pool on the national swim team.
All of these, for lack of a better term, patients, shared one trait. They all went through a prolonged period of suffering and illness. However, what the fortunate ones who had daily visitors shared was that they never let their hardship become their personality.
They never leveraged their suffering over others outside of the extreme moments of discomfort and pain.
It is hard to quantify the quality of one’s character and whether they are worthy of our presence and of our collective efforts. After observing hundreds of people who are in a distressing period of their lives, I can comfortably say that outside of extreme examples of induced singular or repeated trauma, that how we decide to treat others matters more than we would like to admit.
As I poured my young friend her pint of stout, I uttered these words in the crowded room, which was filled with friends and loved ones.
“Do not let yourself get trapped into thinking that you have to support someone out of a sense of loyalty. If they are mistreating you while they have their wits about them, they should be accountable.”
“But I’ve known them for so long,” she said as her gaze inward deepened, and the room faded.
“There is a difference between a bad person and a person going through a bad period. Those who repeatedly make others miserable and make no effort to correct the course of their behaviour do not deserve your efforts. What have you done to deserve to have your life be condemned to suffering that is not your own?”
Raised by wonderful parents and fortunate to have lived an insulated life, my friend had not only the bounty of youth to propel her efforts in helping her toxic friend but also a foundation of unconditional love. Today, she has confessed that the concept of leaving a friend behind, even if they took joy in making others miserable, has been a difficult one to absorb, but she is getting there.
So, to you, dear reader, do not feel obliged to help someone or to stick around and to be a friend or caregiver. Most importantly, do not put your suffering ahead of others if you become ill or experience a prolonged state of suffering.
For if you do use your diminished condition as a position of leverage, you will not only lead a much lonelier life, but you will also deserve to do so.
Time of writing: April 22nd 2024